Season’s Greetings
(No, I’m not really that bitter. Merry Christmas Eve.)
May all of YOUR Christmas wishes come true.
Questions
“Sometimes questions are more important than answers.” ~Nancy Willard
What do you do when you find out your entire adult life was based on a lie?
What do you do when you realize that your life is essentially useless because you built it around the aforementioned lie?
What do you do when you know you did your best, but your best simply wasn’t good enough?
How do you erase the memories which are now tainted?
How do you work on building a new life when it’s all you can do to hold together the basic scraps of your old one?
How do you find hope (again) after it is lost (again and again)?
How do you stop questioning things that cannot and will not be answered?
“When is a crisis reached? When questions arise that can’t be answered.” ~Ryszard Kapuscinski
Broken
Time.
Thought I’d make friends with time.
Thought we’d be flying.
Maybe not this time.
- Tori Amos, “Baker Baker”
Have you ever dropped a plate? Or a porcelain figurine? Or a piece of pottery? It breaks into pieces. If you can manage to find all of the pieces you can attempt to glue it back together. You may choose to use rubber cement, or Gorilla glue, or good old Elmer’s school glue. And you can do a pretty good job. If you’re careful and take your time, you can fit every piece back into place. It looks as good as it did before if you don’t look too closely to see the cracks.
But maybe a week later while dusting you jostle it a bit. Knock into it by accident. And where as before it wouldn’t have been enough to damage it, because the structural integrity has already been compromised, it breaks. All over again. You can find all of the pieces. Perhaps not all of the pieces have even broken off. But you wonder if it is really worth repairing again.
That’s how it is when your heart is broken — really broken. You can pick up the pieces. You look pretty good from the outside, especially since most people don’t look closely enough to see the cracks. You think you’re pretty good on the inside too. You’re proud of yourself for fixing and for being fixed. Then your heart is jostled. In a harsh way or a subtle way. And it falls apart all over again. And you’re faced with repairing it yet again and wondering if it’s worth it.
Ding Dong, the Ex is Gone
He moved. Out of state. Last weekend. Didn’t tell me. Found out from a mutual friend about an hour ago. Didn’t inform the court either, to my knowledge. Taking with him a car to which I still hold the title and a spare set of keys. Apparently he’s gotten a job and a place to live.
Is it strange that the only part of this news that really pisses me off is that he chooses now to finally start acting like a grown up? Maybe that should be my #8 in my previous post below.
I’m also somewhat annoyed that he gets to start completely over fresh with no baggage while I’m left to clean up the mess left behind. But that is nothing new, so I’m sort of accustomed to that. It still stings.
But at least it means he’s just that much further removed from my life, which enables me to move on that much more. So in a somewhat twisted way, I’m grateful. I’m free.
